Mine was a stubborn conversion.
Oh, I always believed in God, believed there was a God, but I admit there were times where I just didn’t think God was there for little ole insignificant me. Or that He could even be bothered with such as the likes of me. After all, He was this big, powerful, distant and scary God that couldn't be bothered with the day to day antics and sinfulness of these people of His.
And through a lifetime of personal struggles and dealing with both the internal and external demons of this world, it was many years before I finally learned knowing God, really knowing the love of God, was really all about relationship with Christ Jesus. That this whole human experience from its beginning, was a love story. God's love for us yes, but also, His desire that we would choose to love Him, because He gave us that choice. We can choose to either love Him, or reject Him. It could not be true love if there was no choice.
And yes, as a young woman, I often strayed away from this love to the delusions and desires and temptations of this world, and I made gods of many people and many things. But, in my heart, I rarely strayed far or for long, and even through my stubbornness and my near rejection of Him, God stayed faithful to me. Because He knew my heart. And even though I was blinded by my own ignorance, and even when I could not see it, His love sheltered me and protected me and kept me safe, His arms wide open and waiting for my return to Him.
I have seen that the more that I have given up control of this life, the more that I have leaned on God and made God a crucial part of every single aspect of my day to day life, that even when I fail to achieve that with which I may have set out to be or do, still, I have seen God’s blessings poured out on me. Because He sees my heart.
No, I am not where I need to be. And in fact, I now realize that this human experience is a lifetime of learning and progression toward that time where we will take one last and final breath in this world, to move into a whole other experience of the physical presence of God. But thanks to God’s grace, His forgiveness and His enduring and patient love for me, yes, for little ole me, I am not where I used to be either. God lifted me out of that pit. And for this I am eternally thankful.
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