Men Are From Mars ... The Grocery Store Edition

Wife notices the time and calls Husband on his cell phone: Rings, rings, rings ... goes to voicemail. Wife hangs up frustrated. {Why do I always get his voicemail?}

Husband calls Wife back, finally.

Wife: Hey, On your way home would you please swing by the deli and pick up a pound and a half of smoked turkey breast?

Hubs: Turkey breast. Okay, got it.

Wife:  Make sure it's smoked turkey breast, okay? The regular goes slimy too fast and you know I don't do slimy.

Hubs:  Okay. Smoked turkey breast.  How much?

Wife:  A pound and a half.

Hubs: Okay. Pound and a half of smoked turkey breast.

Wife: And this time please ask the girl at the deli to cut it thinner. It was way too thick last time.

Hubs: I told her to cut it on 1-1/2 like you said.

Wife:  But, did you ask to see a slice before she cut it all up?

Hubs:  {crickets}

Wife:  Hello?

Hubs: No.

Wife: Well this time ask her to hold a piece up so that you see it. BEFORE she cuts it all up.

Hubs: Ok.

Wife: And don't just say OK when she holds it up please.  Actually look at it. If it's too thick, just tell her it's too thick. Okay? You will not hurt her feelings.  I promise.

Hubs: Ok.

Wife: But please don't let her shred it up either. I hate that.

Hubs. Ok.

Wife: Why is it we have this conversation every time you go to the deli?

Hubs. Dunno.

Wife: Okay. Well, you got it? A pound and a half of smoked turkey breast, not sliced too thick, but not shredded either. Okay?

Hubs: Okay. How much?

Wife: A. Pound. And. A. Half.

Hubs:  Okay. Got it. A pound of ham.

Wife: Arrrggghhhhhh..... NO! Turkey. Breast. SMOKED. Turkey Breast. A POUND AND A HALF.

Hubs: Okay, okay, geez, you don't have to yell. I got it. See ya in a minute. Bye.

Wife hangs up. Exhausted.

Can you tell who has control issues? And why?

Men Are From Mars ... The Sick Bed Edition

Happy New Year Y'all!  Those of you who read my mindless banter regularly know that I was sick most all of this week, with the flu.  Or if it wasn't the flu, it was the worse cold in history. I thought I would share with you what my (not so) wonderful husband, The Cajun, did for me, while I was sick.

I dedicate this column to my dear friend, Penniwig, who I somehow know will totally understand it. :)

✗ He made sure that I had absolutely nothing (everything) to worry about so that I could (not) get my rest and recover.

✗ He (forgot all about taking) took care of the puppy, (not) keeping him right on his schedule (forgetting) when it was time for him to get up and go to bed, and (not) taking him out regularly, so that he did not have any accidents in the house, which of course if the puppy would have (I got to) he would have cleaned right up.

✗ He made sure all of the animals were (not) fed when they were supposed to be.

✗ He (totally forgot) remembered to keep up with the kitten so that he would not get into the potpourri bowl and spread potpourri all over the entire family room from one end to the other.

✗ He (forgot to take) took out the garbage so that it didn't smell(ed) up the house (something awful).

✗ He (did not empty) emptied the dishwasher, (didn't even think to) put everything away, and even filled it back up and ran it (filled it back up? Are you kidding me?)

✗ He (never) remembered to check and empty the cat box, which was really lovely.

✗ In fact, I never had to get up once (if I had not gotten up) to tend to animals (it would have been a disaster around here).

✗ He actually (never once) vacuumed the carpet knowing that with all of these animals it has to be done daily.

✗ He (never once) considered making the chicken noodle soup I wanted but not confident he would make it right, he (never gave a thought about) thought that cleaning the kitchen (so it) would make it much easier for me to get my soup started when I did get up.

✗ He was (never once) at my beck and call at all times and was rarely (always) gone in case I needed anything.

✗ He (never once) offered to rub my back constantly.

✗ He could not think of enough things (a single thing on his own) to do to make sure I was comfortable and healing quickly.

✗ He didn't barge(d) into the bathroom (and scared the crap out of me) when I was trying to just relax and soak in the tub with my essential oils and my peace and quiet.

✗ (If) I didn't (actually) have to worry about (everything) a thing around here, (I might have been able to focus on nothing) but getting plenty of rest, drinking lots of juice and fluids and just focusing on getting better.

I am happy to report that I am on the mend, and actually feel WONDERFUL today, yay!!


As for you honey, I love you, I really do, (but) you are so (not) the nurturing type.